BUT GOD
Hello there. It’s been a while, hasn’t it. I believe my last post was sometime before the holidays and well, that’s my first excuse for not being active on the blog. The holidays are always so busy, and I just had a hard time concentrating on the blogging. Then a new year sprouted out of nowhere, and it just took off. Seriously though, how are we in May already?
May; the month of all the things before Summer is official. If you don’t know what all the things are, let me fill you in. The flowers are blooming, the grass is growing, and then there’s May Day, Cinco de Mayo, Bridal Showers, Weddings, Last Day of School, Dance Recitals, Graduations, and so much more. All good things, but ALL.THE.THINGS.
I’m sorry, did you say something? Can you repeat that please?
Oh, yes. Yes, I did miss a thing, didn’t I. That thing. Yeah, about that thing. Do I have to say it out loud? Fine…
…Mother’s Day. There, I said it. That’s the other thing in May.
So, let’s talk Mother’s Day.
Mother’s Day is very bittersweet for me. Actually, no, it’s so stinking hard, legit so hard, as in, turn off the T.V. for days leading up to it, because the whole advertisement world is trying to make sure that no child and no husband forgets that Mother’s Day is coming up. But that’s not the only hard, there’s more.
As the day approaches, my hopes and dreams of what Mother’s Day would look like for me, replay in my head over and over, and all I want to do is crawl into bed, and have my own mom hold me, while I cry my eyes out, and wish the day away. It doesn’t just stop there. My husband, my sweet husband, will do all he can, as if he doesn’t already, to make that day all about me. We’ll eat where I want, we’ll go wherever will make my heart content, we’ll do what will numb the day until it’s over, which usually means eating all the ice cream I can handle, but even then, it’s still hard. And then there’s Church. Facing all the faces; the faces that know and the faces that don’t. How will they look at me, will the sermon be another sermon about a Proverbs 31 woman, and her children calling her blessed, or will it be about being fruitful and multiplying this earth, will anyone say anything to me, and if so, then how should I respond? Then there’s the photo ops of all the visible mom’s taking pictures with their kids, looking all put together for the time being even though we all know that tomorrow, it’s back to their normal chaos. If I can make it past those points in the day, then I know I’m on the downward stretch. Eating Mother’s Day lunch is pretty easy because that means that I’m usually with my mom, aunts and cousins, and we can just focus on celebrating them, and then the day by that point is halfway over. Yep, that’s how hard it is. It’s a countdown of the day leading me to getting tucked into bed for the night and praying for the stroke of midnight so that day can be put to rest.
‘Wow’ you might say, or maybe you’d say, ‘that’s sad’. Or maybe you might just not say anything to that. If I gave you permission to say all of that, or stay silent, would that be helpful? I give you permission. It really is ok to have whatever feelings you have to my view of Mother’s Day, believe me, because I’ve had them all. However, me being in a better place now than when this journey started, my current follow up response to the description of what Mother’s Day looks like for me is…
But, God.
“But, God what”, you might say. I’ll say it again, But God.
If you’re wondering what that means, I can explain. Let me share with you a couple of my But God stories.
When I say, “But God”, that’s my short little snip-it of a way to say, but then God showed up and he showed up BIG TIME. It’s a way I can express that either in a season, or in a moment, I was feeling big emotions, going through something hard, and all the while thinking can we just get this over, or when will this end, or can we be done already, and then But God; But then God shows up and shows up BIG. He intervened in a way that only God can orchestrate, a divine intervention, if you may.
Example one: Two Mother’s Days ago, I legit snuck into our seats at Church. I did my best at just walking in and going straight to my chair, which is not like me. I love people and I love saying hi to anyone I can on my way to our seats, but not that year. That year, I was doing all I could to be in church, as I wanted to just watch online. Aside from the obvious, we had just lost one of the most precious gifts from God, my grandmother. Celebrating Mother’s Day without her seemed nearly impossible. Add that to why I already dreaded Mother’s Day and you have a big blubbering mess of me. I didn’t want to be seen, I didn’t want to have to answer anyone about Mother’s Day, and I didn’t want to be there. I felt like a Sesame Street episode where Big Bird was asking the T.V. land audience of kids, which one of these things is not like the other, the apple, the banana, or the bouncy ball. Me, it was me. I was not like the others. I had momentarily carried a child but had no child to show for it. I had momentarily felt what it was like to know that I was pregnant, but no photo ops to prove it. All the others had and did. I was not like the others. So, there I was. I made it in without making any contact with anyone, me in my chair, my arm tightly wrapped around Jim’s arm for comfort, and bracing for impact of another Mother’s Day sermon. I made it through the service, and then just like I did when arrived, I planned to do the same when I left; head down, eyes down, walk 80’s style speed walking fast, straight to the exit. As soon as the benediction was given, it was game on…there I went, head down, eyes down, and speed walking in and around anyone that was in my way. I was doing it, I was so close to the exit, But God. God in a blink of an eye stopped me in my tracks. Oh no, panic, insert all the panic here, someone saw me, someone that knew me, someone that I had not made eye contact with on the way in, HAD FOUND ME! At first, it wasn’t the voice, it was the tender tap on my right should, I can feel it and vividly see it my mind as I type this. As I hesitantly and slowly turned around, I saw Char. I saw her, and she said nothing, until she embraced me. And then ever so quietly, she whispered in my ear, “I know today is hard for you and I’m praying for you”. That hug, and those words were everything to me. Y’all, hear me say this. THAT WAS GOD. Yes, that was Char, But God used Char to speak to me, to love on me, and to remind me that He sees me. Here I was, trying to hide and not be seen, but who am I kidding. Don’t we all want to be seen. Yes, the answer is yes. That whole get up of, in and out of Church with no one seeing me, was a tactic of the enemy. I felt shame, that I couldn’t do what all the other Moms could. I felt alone and the enemy had convinced me that morning that if I just isolate myself, then it would make getting through Mother’s Day easier. Well, he’s a big fat liar. Need to hear that again? THE ENEMY IS A BIG FAT LIAR. No matter what the enemy tries to tell you, if it has anything to do with isolation, being alone, or shame, remember that those are NOT things God wants for you, nor are they of God. God sees you, and he will never leave you to be alone, especially in what you think is shameful, and this is a prime example. God used Char to remind me that yes, what I went through was hard, what I experience on Mother’s Day is hard, but that it is nothing to be ashamed of, and that I am seen, and I AM LOVED. This is the first she’s hearing of the impact she made on me that day, and I hope she never forgets how much her follow through to reach out with her tender touch and kind words, mean to me, and always will.
Example two: In 2021, I can’t remember why, but I didn’t go back to my hometown for Mother’s Day. This particular year I was doing very well with Mother’s Day. I actually felt pretty strong and believed that I was finally able to withstand all of the emotions of that day, and the days leading up to it. I remember going to Church and sitting through the sermon. I remember getting teary-eyed at the message, but I really held up well. I was so proud of myself. I had made it. Now, just onto Mother’s Day lunch. Our friends had invited us to spend Mother’s Day with them and their extended family. This wasn’t the first family gathering that we were a part of, but it was the first Mother’s Day with them. We arrived for lunch, and at certain point after they had an informal moment of handing out Mother’s Day gifts to each of their mom’s and grandmas. It was all very sweet, but something in me sparked a little. I can’t quite pinpoint it, but I just remember feeling a little sad, like I was missing out. I was missing out on receiving a gift. I had never received a Mother’s Day gift, because #nokids. In that moment, I was reminded I would never receive a Mother’s Day gift. That part was hard, and I was surprised to feel that emotion about that kind of thing. I had made it through Church but couldn’t make it through gift giving. What was going on. I thought I had built up strength for that day. I had it a couple of hours ago, where was it now, when I still needed it. I choked back the tears and shoved them back in my tear ducts. And then I couldn’t take it anymore, the emotions were getting stronger, and I couldn’t contain myself. My walls were crumbling, so I quietly went to the restroom and tried to regain my composure. I was coaching myself, but not very kindly.
“C’mon Zila, get it together.”
“Oh, my goodness, why am I crying.”
“Why does this hurt every year.”
“Ok, wipe up the tears, pretend you had something in your eyes when they ask you if you’re ok…” On and on I went.
Finally, I flushed the toilet, you know to keep up the act, and then I went out. I made eye contact with Jim, and he knew, he immediately knew. The caress of his hand on my back, and the pressure of his tender squeeze of my hand, let me know he knew I had nothing in my eyes, nor was I in there using the restroom, but that he loved me and was sorry for the way I was feeling. And then, Jess, who is like the female version of Jim, who knows me all too well, saw me, and immediately knew too, that I wasn’t just “using” the restroom. Almost instantaneously, she came toward me and said, “oh hey, I need to show you something in the office.” She was attempting to be an actress like me, but I was on to her. I knew she wanted to ask me what was wrong. So, I followed her into the office, and without hesitation, she said. “I didn’t know how you would feel, so I brought you in here, because I wanted to give you a gift.” I confusingly said, “for what” and she said, “it’s a Mother’s Day gift.” I truly wasn’t expecting a Mother’s Day gift, But God.
Only God knew that I needed a gift. Once again, he orchestrated a moment that only could’ve been created by him. I instantly teared up, opened the gift, and held it like the treasure I had been missing. I gave my friend a hug and told her thank you. I needed that gift so much, and not in a tangible way. I needed that gift in way that said, ‘I see you.’ Once again, God showed up and showed up big. It was yet again, a reminder that I am seen, I am known, and I am loved.
As I work toward wrapping this post up, I want to point out a few things.
First, if you are reading this post, for you, or for someone else, I want to point out that the theme in these two But God stories, is that we all want to be seen, we all want to be known and we all want to be loved, especially as we go through the valleys.
Psalms 139:13-18 says this:
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
Friends, our Creator knew you and me before anyone else did. Even in your darkest moments, your saddest moments, or your loneliest moments, we can take comfort in knowing that we have always been known, we have always been seen, and we will always be loved. It says so in these verses. He intricately knitted every fiber of our beings, he knows exactly when we are going to go through, what we go through, good or bad, and he knows how we will feel, which is why he gives us these But God moments.
And last but not least, even though I shared some hard stuff, with some big feelings, I want you to know that I do not hate Mother’s Day, it’s just hard. I love it for my mom, and I love it for my friends and family. I will always champion motherhood, even if it looks different for me.
Romans 5:1-5 says this:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
From where I first started this journey to where I am now, I must give God all the Glory. I would not be where I am without my hope in God. It sounds a bit much and though I’m not yet ready to throw a party for my sufferings, I know God is with me, today and always. I know he’s doing a work in me too. I see the perseverance that I’ve been able to push through, because of His strength. I see the character he’s building in me, because I’m doing this blog, and I know I’ve been given the hope He promises, because when I open my eyes every morning, I know I can face the race that is set before me, including Mother’s Day. And that my friends, is what I hope you get to experience every day too; perseverance, character, and hope.
This Mother’s Day, I want to encourage you to take a moment and search for some of your own But God moments. And I also want to encourage you to ask God to help use you in a But God moment. Who can you help feel seen, and known, and loved? It doesn’t have to be a woman going through infertility treatments, who is also struggling to get through the day. It could be a widow, who recently lost her husband, or it could be father who had to bury his child far too soon. It could be a couple waiting for their wayward child to return home. It may be a young adult who looks lost and just needs a smile from a stranger to let them know it’s going to be ok. It may be a co-worker who is doing all they can do to feel like they aren’t just a cog in the wheel. It could be the woman in the grocery line that that can’t figure out whether to buy a box of diapers or gallon of milk, because she doesn’t have enough money for both, or it simply could be your neighbor whom you’ve never met but could just use a friendly knock on the door to say hi.
Whatever it looks like for you, be open to being used by God and let Him let his love shine through you. You will feel good and so will the person you are shining towards, I promise.
Much love and Happy Mother’s Day to all the mom’s out there, no matter what that looks like. ~ Zila