One Day, I’d Have Children of My Own
Dear Reader,
Welcome to my first official post.
For years now, I’ve been writing down things that I’ve wanted to tell you. Sometimes things would come to me at night, or in the middle of the day, but most of the time, topics came to me while driving. I think that’s because that’s where I spend a lot of time, and that’s one of my favorite places to spend time with the Lord. It’s just me in the driver’s seat, usually listening to Life 88.5 or K-LOVE 97.3, but all the time talking to Jesus as if he were in the passenger seat. I feel like I should add this disclaimer about that previous sentence. You should always put Jesus in the driver’s seat, and you should sit in the passenger seat, but I’m human and sometimes that isn’t how it always is…I digress, but you get the analogy. I love talking to and spending time with Jesus in my car as I drive. Anyway, back to the topic of the first post.
As you have probably seen, I launched this blog just a couple of weeks ago. As soon as I did, I began praying about what the first topic of the blog should be. I’ve known all along that I probably wouldn’t go in a timeline fashion, but in a way that as things came to mind, I would post about it. I not only want to be led by the Holy Spirit on what to share and when, but also by things that are going on in the moment, in real time. However, for this post, I am going to start in the beginning and not just in the “Jim and Zila” beginning, but “Zila as a little girl” beginning, to set the stage.
From a very young age, I knew that I wanted to be a mom. It truly was something that I dreamt of, something that was imprinted on my heart as a desire of all desires. Maybe it was imprinted on my heart because of the motherly examples I had around me, or maybe it was simply because I knew that was what my body was created to do. I also took scripture, especially Genesis 1:28, to heart too. In that verse, God tells Adam and Eve to be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.
I remember at early age in my childhood, I saw the value and beauty in being a mother. From my very own mom, I saw the sacrifices made, the hard work, the long days she worked, and the long nights she stayed up studying to advance her education. From my grandma, I saw the softness, patience, unconditional love, and wisdom that comes from motherhood. From my aunts, I saw the fun, the encouragement, the friendships, and the life lessons learned. All of this I equated to the value and beauty in being a mother, and I wanted that, all of it. I soaked it all up from the ripe age of 6 (yes, since the age of 6, I knew I wanted to be a mom). I soaked it up so much, that I never stopped memorizing all these women’s ways; watching and mimicking all of their moves.
I knew that one day I’d have children of my own, so I kept all our family traditions close to my heart, I intently studied every home remedy that was used to treat anything from a twisted ankle to ear infections, from a colic baby to the flu, from an upset stomach to a bee sting, and everything in between. Even though I was the oldest of four kids, and the oldest of four cousins at that time, and knew quite a bit already about babysitting and kids, I took a babysitter’s course in middle school, through our local hospital for extra credit in preparation to someday be a good mom. I did this because I knew that one day, I’d have children of my own. I learned all of the things; how to feed and burp babies, how to prevent choking, how to do CPR, and how to bathe kids. I learned all types of crafts, songs, and games that I would always remember and keep in my back pocket, to do with my own children.
Now before you start thinking that’s all I focused on, it wasn’t. I just wanted to make sure you knew how early I knew I wanted to be a mother. It was my heart’s desire. I still had a childhood, I did the babysitting gigs, and I played the big sister / big cousin role, and I enjoyed my teenage years. Eventually there came a crossroads in my life that would be a moment where I look back even now and sometimes wonder what if. I don’t like the what if game, because it’s easy to get sucked in, but sometimes when I do wonder what if, I remind myself, “But God”, and then all is well again.
Now let’s fast forward, the year is 2003.
I hated math, science wasn’t my jam, but Ohhh how I loved English, and writing, and politics. So it only made sense that I would travel down a path that would lead me to law school. In the Fall of 2002, I attended a symposium in Chicago that introduced me to almost any and every law school in the United States. I had taken the LSAT, the essays were written, the recommendation letters were printed on the finest quality paper a college student could buy, and the applications were all filled out. I was on track to go to law school.
The day had come to go to the post office and send off the applications. I remember the day being sunny and bright out. I also remembering being slightly nervous. I drove myself to the post office and as I pulled up to the blue post office drop box, I rolled down my window and picked up the stack of applications to drop off. And in that moment, I froze. I legit froze. I stared straight at what was in my hand, and then straight into the drop box. What I had come to do, I couldn’t and didn’t. Those applications never made it into the drop box.
In the moment that I froze, I wish I could say that it was because I just didn’t want to become an Attorney, but that wasn’t it at all. In that moment, I froze because I wanted and knew that I would be a stay-at-home mom, and even though that timing wasn’t even on my radar, I was trying to be logical and not do something in which I’d go into so much debt achieving and end up not doing. Why would I spend easily $80,000 plus if I wasn’t going to put that career in place, practice and gain back what I put in. I told myself I have always worked in the legal field, and I still could. Then I told myself that I had a degree and would just get a job. In that moment, that was enough for me, because my real dream would eventually come true, and I wouldn’t look back on this moment as a mistake, but as a mature financial response for the benefit of my future.
After working myself through that, still at a standstill in front of the post office drop box, I took a deep breath and drove home. It would all be ok, because I knew that one day, I’d have children of my own.